Never A Girl
by MultipleAnecdotes
Summary: Johnny was never a girl, he was never Jenny. Except he was and wished he wasn't. He was taking this secret to the grave. He was never a girl, he never wanted to be a girl. He was never going to tell and he never did. Didn't stop Ponyboy from finding out. By then, Johnny was dying and there was no point in telling until after death. They couldn't understand, but they tried for him.


MultipleAnecdotes: I was feeling a Johnny mood coming along and I was reading female Johnny fics but I wanted to put my own little spin on it. Well, I hope you enjoy! Reviews are welcome!

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Johnny wasn't buff like Darry. He wasn't tough like Dally. He wasn't funny like Two-Bit. He didn't have good looks like Sodapop and he wasn't smart like Ponyboy. Hell, he wasn't even aloof like Steve was towards his father. Johnny didn't have any of the good traits his own friends had. All he had was a cowardly personality and a face that makes him look like he's ten. The trait that made him the most different was that he wasn't actually a he, he was really a she. But she turned into a he. Had been since he was 5.

When he was small, his mother always liked to do up his hair and put him in dresses when she wasn't screaming at him. The raggedy dresses he would put on always made him feel sick, especially when his mother said, "Pretend they are the prettiest dresses in the world, pink with sparkles and diamonds. A young, rich man asks you to dance and you do, spinning around and around. Eventually you two get married, you can relax and sit back while your husband earns the money unlike your bum of a father. You'll have little children, all beautiful and I'll be a proud, retired grandmother." This is what his mother wanted him to do, get married to someone rich so they both could have a nice, rich life. But marrying a guy made Johnny feel weird, wrong. He didn't want to wear dresses or go to balls, he wanted to wear the jean jackets, slick his hair back and chat up girls. But he knew to keep his mouth closed so he wouldn't get a smack.

When he was 8, he saw a family, a son, a mother and a father. They were laughing and playing football while their mother sat off to the side and clapped. He found himself wanting to play along, just like the dad, encouraging his son and tackling him to the ground playfully. He just wanted to be treated as a boy, he didn't want to be pushed off to the side, smiling and clapping. But, he had looked at his long, torn skirt, white shirt and ponytail and scowled. He was a girl, he was _Jenny_. The name felt disgusting on his tongue. But that didn't stop her from acting like a him.

When he was 10, he cut off his ponytail, admiring his short hair. If only for a moment, he felt more like himself. He felt less like Jenny and more like... Johnny. Yeah, Johnny was a good name, manly. It was one of the first and only times he stood up to his mother and father. His mother screamed for _Jenny _to get _her _fat ass into the living room. So he stood up and went, his head held high. His mother screamed in horror when she saw his hair, screaming that _she _had ruined her dreams. But with his head held high, he said without hesitation, "I am Johnny and I am a boy." There was silence for a long time after that and his father laughed. "Well, if our little Jenny wants to be Johnny, then lets treat him as such." It was the worst beating Johnny had ever received and while his mother usually told his dad not to go too far, she turned her head and said nothing.

When he was 11, he felt like himself, like how he was supposed to be. He wasn't stuck in a girls body, he could be himself. But that's when he started developing boobs. But he often wrapped them up with bandages, keeping them pressed against his chest. Sometimes he had trouble breathing and the pressure on his chest hurt him, but he couldn't be happier. He was himself. When he was 11, he also met Ponyboy, he was nice and Johnny wanted to be friends with him. His family was nothing like Ponyboys, his mother was wise and his father was funny. His brother were good-looking and strong. The kind of boy he wanted to be. They cared for him when his parents beat him and they didn't see Jenny, Jenny never existed. It was only Johnny.

All good things must come to an end. He was 16 when he finally met his end. All of his friend believed he was a boy until the end. Ponyboy had found out during their time in the church, spending that much time with someone can do that to someone. He had pleaded with Ponyboy to understand, but Ponyboy had called him a _girl _and he clocked him to hard it sent him reeling. Ponyboy had realized that Johnny was Johnny no matter his gender and did his best to understand. Johnny promised to tell the others when they got back. Dally came to visit him before the rumble, his scared eyes told Johnny that Dally cared more than he let on. So he told Dally how he was really a she. Dally laughed and told him he didn't give a shit, only glad that he wasn't dead yet. That was all Johnny could have asked for.

Johnny was gone. Jenny was gone. Everything Johnny or Jenny had ever been was gone. When the truth came out to his friends, they were furious onto why he didn't tell him, why he didn't trust them. With teary eyes Ponyboy explained that Johnny was afraid, afraid of being treated like a girl. Afraid of being treated with kids gloves. Afraid that they wouldn't understand. And they didn't understand. But they tried for Johnny, but they didn't understand it like Ponyboy could, who felt that punch that felt the same before and after Johnny revealed his true gender. They could never feel that, they could only mourn the death of their best friends. Johnny was always a boy to them and always would be, they owed that to him.

Ponyboy was 26, a reclaimed author and every year he visited his best friends graves. Dally first, then Johnny. It was no longer painful to visit them. Sure, he still had a little ache when he thought of their deaths, but they were in a better place now. Johnny was in a place where everything was gold and there was no fear. Where he always deserved to go. Dally was probably up there partying with him. Ponyboy was glad that, in his last few days of life, he was able to understand Johnny more than anyone else ever could except maybe Dally. Johnny was a boy, he was always a boy and always would be a boy. And that was more than Johnny could ever ask for, so Ponyboy gave it to him. To his best _guy _friend.


End file.
